Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Fishing Stinks

Rachael Harrie's 3rd Campainger Challenge- Show Not Tell

 I've been having a blast with Rachael Harrie's Campaigner Challenges. It's time for the 3rd challenge. Here are the rules:

Write a blog post in 300 words or less, excluding the title. The post can be in any format, whether flash fiction, non-fiction, humorous blog musings, poem, etc. The blog post should show:
  • that it’s morning, 
  • that a man or a woman (or both) is at the beach
  • that the MC (main character) is bored
  • that something stinks behind where he/she is sitting
  • that something surprising happens.
Just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: "synbatec," "wastopaneer," and "tacise."   (NB. these words are completely made up and are not intended to have any meaning other than the one you give them).
My entry is exactly 300 words, and I've incorporated all three made up words. All five parts of the challenge above have been met, I think! At least I tried.
 



Fishing Stinks

Frankie wakes up on her foldout lawn chair. Cranky, sweaty, and damn sick of smelling trash, she jerks her head up. On the horizon, a rosy glow stretches wide as the sun peeks over. Now, maybe they can leave this retched place. Nothing worse than sand in your panties, sticky saltwater, and grit on your skin.

"Oh, baby, you're up. Wanna fish for a while?" Jed says.

Not no, but hell no. "I'm tired of fishing. We've been here all weekend," says Frankie.

"Just a bit longer, darlin', I promise," Jed says.

That's what he said last night.

Synbatec, the sanitation department several hundred yards from the coast, explodes into action. Banging, clanking, men hollering, and giant dump trucks line up to dump their loads.

Didn't anyone recycle in Texas anymore? Damn wastopaneers is what they are. Shoving trash into landfills, mucking up the state, they oughta be ashamed of themselves.

The Gulf heat boxes in the nauseating Dumpster stench around Frankie. She gags, tasting trash on her tongue. She yanks her t-shirt up over her mouth. A churning in her empty stomach makes her thankful she didn't eat last night.

"Oooh, wee! I got myself anotha one, baby!" Jed says. He pops up, reeling in his line. He's hootin' and hollerin' and carrying on about his big one.

Big one. He thinks he's got a big one.

Frankie spills off her chair when sirens blare behind her. Jed is still wrangling with his big one, as a muscled beach patrol officer struts up. Flashy mirrored glasses conceal his eyes.

"Y'all have to evacuate the area. There's been a sanitation tacise in the water. We're closing the beaches," he says, spitting a brown patch in the sand.

"Awe, man!" Jed says, throwing down his pole.

"Oh well," Frankie says, smirking.

28 comments:

  1. Fun story. I've never been fishing before. Hopefully it's more fun than what Frankie's experience.

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  2. Very creative, love the Wastopaneers! ; )

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  3. Ooh I love fishing!! Great job, love this post!!

    (I'm entry #5)

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  4. I love your voice in this (and I'm laughing about the big one!)Great use of the challenge words.
    Mine is #25.

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  5. Howdy, Mel, Sheri, Jess, Jen & Angelina! Thanks for your comments and visiting my blog! This was tougher than I expected it to be once I got started. The whole Show Not Tell thing is harder than it sounds. There are several places I wasn't quite satisfied with, but worked hard at eliminating most telling.

    I've always considered myself a "storyteller" so to be a story-show-er is quite a challenge! But as writers, we must all learn how to show.

    I thought the challenge was a helpful exercise.

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  6. That's awesome. Humourous and very descriptive. I don't like that Synbatec corporation at all. Oh, and I hate fishing and sand in my undies too! ;) Great work.

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  7. K.T. I totally agree. Frankie loves the beach about as much as I do. There's nothing I despise more than the sticky Gulf water drying on my skin, EXCEPT sand in my panties. Ewe. Gross. Ouch.

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  8. Got to love a fishing story. You captured a great setting, here. :)

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  9. This is one of my favorites so far. Great characters!!

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  10. "Not no, but hell no"--LOL! I loved this! I'm voting for you.

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  11. Nicely done and good use of the words.Mine is #56

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  12. Thanks, David, Jessica, Angela & Bridget!!! Thanks so much for the vote, Angela...too sweet:))

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  13. Well I can say without fear of retribution (given the subject matter) that this story absolutely stinks. What an absolute load of garbage. I think I heard your Texan drawl in here somewhere too. Nicely written and well done - congrats on getting your YA published in the magazine too by the way.

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  14. Hi Candy, I'm one of the first stage judges and I'm pleased to let you know your entry got through to the second stage. Well done :)

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  15. Thanks, Tara for your comments:))

    S P, I agree! Thanks for stopping by. Sometimes I worry about putting the T-drawl in dialogue. We drop many g's at the end of our verbs, use "y'all" too much and speak with a twang.

    Cheryl, Thank you so much! That's awesome news. *Smiling* Thanks for stopping by!

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  16. Awesome job with great description. I'm off to vote for this entry.

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  17. "Nothing worse than sand in your panties..." Hah! Nice work! :)

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  18. Big one... she's not talking about the fish is she?

    mood
    (now following)
    Moody Writing
    @mooderino

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  19. Thank you for your comments, Medeia, Carrie, Mooderino, & Fairview!

    No, she isn't talking about the fish. He is though! Thanks for following!!!

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  20. Nicely written and well done. Congratulations on getting your YA published in the magazine too by the way. Great entry.

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  21. Love the descriptions, language and dialogue in this story! Just wanted to let you know that you're moving on to the second phase of judging!

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  22. Thanks, Annalise!!! I appreciate your comments. :)) But, Cheryl above mentioned I'd moved on to the second round, does that mean I've advanced to the 3rd round? Or am I still at the second? Lol!

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  23. Hmm, not sure -- I was told to tell people they'd passed to the second round! Sorry for the confusion. XD

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  24. Not a biggy, no worries! There are so many campaigners this time, confusion is expected!!! I'm just having fun, and that's what it's all about, right. ;)
    Btw, you're blog cracks me up!

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